According to the organization, National Kids Count approximately 35 percent of children under the age of 18 live in single-parent homes in the United States. As many as 25 percents of children live with their mothers only and that’s more than 18 million children who don’t live with a father figure. By comparison, father-only households make up only 8 percent.
When it's time for the holidays' many alienated Dads may attempt to try to see their kid(s), rather than just a phone call. Or maybe even have their kid stay with him. Maybe they have an order or maybe they don't. The challenge for most of the alienated Dads at holiday time; do they have the funds to pay their bills (child-support included), buy gifts, and travel to see their kid(s) if they're out of town during the holiday seasons.
Christmas 2017, I managed to have the time off and have the funds to do everything listed above and be available for my son for one week. It was amazing for me to accomplish this. Rebuilding life after relationship tragedy and drama takes time. But after making the sacrifices to be there I didn't get to see my son at all for that week and only talked to him briefly because he was sick for the week I was there. The favored parent said I couldn’t see him. So, this year, Christmas 2018, there's massive hesitation.
Do I try to see him? Will I see him? Can I see him? What sacrifices will I make this year to be there?
Already, 2018 hasn't been kind. To date, I've only been given permission to see my son twice. Thus, Christmas would be great to see him for the third and final time of the year.
Every alienated Dad suffers from anxiety when trying to make the attempt to see their child. Every favored parent is different, however, what remains the same, you cannot base their last interaction with you on the current one. Just because it was a decent set-up last time doesn't mean it will be this time or if it wasn't so decent, the next time could be worse. But what's true for most of us, we plan alone.
There are no phone calls and planning by them AT ALL. The outside world always ask, "Well, isn't holidays in your order?" Sure, it is for many of us. But when the judge gives all the decision making to the favored parent based on a lie, the favored parent can basically do as they please. The contradiction by the favored parent, "I want you to have a relationship with your son" but you don't plan for me to see him, talk to him, know him; is the challenge to understand how else do I have a relationship with my son?
Needless to say, I made the one-side attempt to see my son, however, the challenge for me this year was a last-minute car situation I could not get fixed before my trip. Thus, I missed out on the hour given by the favored parent.
In a kind world of two loving parents co-parenting, things happen all the time unexpectedly but that wouldn't stop you from seeing your child because both parents see the joy and importance of spending time with your child during the holidays.
The anxiety and hurt you feel when denied are rough, but when you aren't able to keep your intentions may hurt a bit worse. As a Dad, you don't want to ever not be able to see them because of your own circumstances, whatever it is.
But what hurts more, after I made the one-sided phone call to my son and letting him know I wasn’t coming this year, he recognized his sibling saw his Dad, but he didn't see his. My son felt this was "unfair.” I know he gets told daily he can’t see me or talk to me so, telling him he can’t because of me hurts horribly.
It's been a while when making a plan to see my son, due to personal reasons, I couldn't make it. Though you understand the circumstances your child doesn't fully yet, and that hurts.
As men and fathers, we pride ourselves on taking care of things, being there, and being strong enough to handle whatever comes at us.
Sometimes, it can be very unbearable. Sometimes, it doesn't seem worth the struggle. Sometimes, we question why do this when we are treated like criminals. Just sometimes, the feelings we carry sits on us the day every parent and child should experience quality time together; Christmas.
The fight is really no matter how much money you make, where you live, the color of your skin, or how many children you have. But men - as I tell myself, don't be too hard on yourselves. Your kid(s) loves you. They may not fully understand the why behind your fight but in time they will.
Keep making the best decisions for you and within reason, do what you can handle, and believe one day it will be different.
Walk in the new year believing you will have more opportunities to align things, so you come out on top. I know it's not easy and you have times, it feels better to walk away. But when it's time to talk to your child/ren you want to be able to look at them and say, "I couldn't walk away, though it was hard. This made me bend but I didn't break."
Sometimes you can't love in the way you want, or the way expected, but love is so big, it will cover you and them as long as you keep it close and keep it first. Men, understand, you have to love yourself too. We have to be good now so when we get them later it will be great.
I salute all Dads in 2018 for making it through and finding your peace during this year. It wasn't easy, I know. Here's a toast to 2019 that things will change for us!
Happy Holidays Dads!
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