Daddy's Journal 16 - **BOW TIE WEDNESDAY**

According to the organization, National Kids Count approximately 35 percent of children under the age of 18 live in single-parent homes in the United States. As many as 25 percents of children live with their mothers only and that’s more than 18 million children who don’t live with a father figure. By comparison, father-only households make up only 8 percent. 

When it's time for the holidays' many alienated Dads may attempt to try to see their kid(s), rather than just a phone call. Or maybe even have their kid stay with him. Maybe they have an order or maybe they don't. The challenge for most of the alienated Dads at holiday time; do they have the funds to pay their bills (child-support included), buy gifts, and travel to see their kid(s) if they're out of town during the holiday seasons.

Christmas 2017, I managed to have the time off and have the funds to do everything listed above and be available for my son for one week. It was amazing for me to accomplish this. Rebuilding life after relationship tragedy and drama takes time. But after making the sacrifices to be there I didn't get to see my son at all for that week and only talked to him briefly because he was sick for the week I was there. The favored parent said I couldn’t see him. So, this year, Christmas 2018, there's massive hesitation.

Do I try to see him? Will I see him? Can I see him? What sacrifices will I make this year to be there?

Already, 2018 hasn't been kind. To date, I've only been given permission to see my son twice. Thus, Christmas would be great to see him for the third and final time of the year.

Every alienated Dad suffers from anxiety when trying to make the attempt to see their child. Every favored parent is different, however, what remains the same, you cannot base their last interaction with you on the current one. Just because it was a decent set-up last time doesn't mean it will be this time or if it wasn't so decent, the next time could be worse. But what's true for most of us, we plan alone.

There are no phone calls and planning by them AT ALL. The outside world always ask, "Well, isn't holidays in your order?" Sure, it is for many of us. But when the judge gives all the decision making to the favored parent based on a lie, the favored parent can basically do as they please. The contradiction by the favored parent, "I want you to have a relationship with your son" but you don't plan for me to see him, talk to him, know him; is the challenge to understand how else do I have a relationship with my son?

Needless to say, I made the one-side attempt to see my son, however, the challenge for me this year was a last-minute car situation I could not get fixed before my trip. Thus, I missed out on the hour given by the favored parent.

In a kind world of two loving parents co-parenting, things happen all the time unexpectedly but that wouldn't stop you from seeing your child because both parents see the joy and importance of spending time with your child during the holidays. 

The anxiety and hurt you feel when denied are rough, but when you aren't able to keep your intentions may hurt a bit worse. As a Dad, you don't want to ever not be able to see them because of your own circumstances, whatever it is.

But what hurts more, after I made the one-sided phone call to my son and letting him know I wasn’t coming this year, he recognized his sibling saw his Dad, but he didn't see his. My son felt this was "unfair.” I know he gets told daily he can’t see me or talk to me so, telling him he can’t because of me hurts horribly.

It's been a while when making a plan to see my son, due to personal reasons, I couldn't make it. Though you understand the circumstances your child doesn't fully yet, and that hurts.

As men and fathers, we pride ourselves on taking care of things, being there, and being strong enough to handle whatever comes at us.

Sometimes, it can be very unbearable. Sometimes, it doesn't seem worth the struggle. Sometimes, we question why do this when we are treated like criminals. Just sometimes, the feelings we carry sits on us the day every parent and child should experience quality time together; Christmas.

The fight is really no matter how much money you make, where you live, the color of your skin, or how many children you have. But men - as I tell myself, don't be too hard on yourselves. Your kid(s) loves you. They may not fully understand the why behind your fight but in time they will.

Keep making the best decisions for you and within reason, do what you can handle, and believe one day it will be different.

Walk in the new year believing you will have more opportunities to align things, so you come out on top. I know it's not easy and you have times, it feels better to walk away. But when it's time to talk to your child/ren you want to be able to look at them and say, "I couldn't walk away, though it was hard. This made me bend but I didn't break."

Sometimes you can't love in the way you want, or the way expected, but love is so big, it will cover you and them as long as you keep it close and keep it first. Men, understand, you have to love yourself too. We have to be good now so when we get them later it will be great.

I salute all Dads in 2018 for making it through and finding your peace during this year. It wasn't easy, I know. Here's a toast to 2019 that things will change for us!

Happy Holidays Dads!

Love & Acceptance

During my journey to separation love has constantly immersed in me, my decisions, my mind, and my life – in a way that has given me a new heart. Of course, when challenges happen in our relationships, it’s harder to see love in a new light. Sometimes it’s harder to see this shine because of the pain from love or lack there of.

In this journey I’ve been given so much insight about what makes love – love. What is it about love that makes us crazy – good crazy and bad crazy? But you cannot talk about love without acceptance. Acceptance is defined as approval. Loving someone and being loved is about acceptance. This acceptance is what makes love that GOOD crazy and that BAD crazy.

Now realizing this was hard for me to accept. Like many, it’s hard to accept someone doesn’t want you, or think you are not cable of doing or being something, or even accept you are greater than what the closet people to you think you are. Accepting this acceptance is hard to accept.

Our TVs are soaked in reality TV or what we can call Acceptance TV. I realized this love and acceptance while watching my favorite show Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t recall which episode but if you are a fan of the show you know their epiphanies come at the craziest times to then fix a major health issue.

Well, here is my epiphany poem on love and acceptance that will guide you to love better, starting with loving and accepting yourself. And if you feel the need – change how you love yourself in order to love something or someone else.

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[This poem is a selection from the upcoming album The Separation 1 of 2.]

Not receiving love and acceptance is the trigger that has pulled so many guns on lives that matter.

Dad’s are not taught how to be fathers by a man; so they can’t do what they don’t know.

Mom’s try to be the man – which is something their not – they get lost on how to do both.

So when they get the man they pray for…that man’s job is already filled as their dual occupation.

Role playing is necessary at times and even needed.

But play the position you tried out for.

Respectfully, start a new tradition…cause both parents MATTER.

And our children – our children are just stuck in the middle

to grow in accurately in a beefy world that cooks them…

and they don’t feel the burn.

Love and acceptance is the trigger that has pulled so many guns on lives that matter.

Communities with titles help and do the best they can

but when your principals are based off of style and not a life style

it changes like the features on a new car.

The feature that – you know – it was added last year but it’s not on this year’s model.

Yeah – don’t you hate when that happens?

And responsibility is taken by a few.

But it’s like when you were kids and somebody did something wrong

but no one wanted to take the blame for it – cause, you know –

they didn’t want to get in trouble so they blame it on someone else.

But by association you got in trouble too even if it wasn’t you.

So if you didn’t speak up you got whooped too.

Yeah being a kid was the good old days – but that was back when I was young –

I’m not a kid anymore.

Love and acceptance is the trigger that has pulled so many guns on lives that matter.

Age is just a number cause only a few are playing it right.

Instead of asking how old you are –

you know, we should ask what’s your mentality type?

You’d probably see a better visual answer with the verbal.

Lessons learned only learned if we study before the test.

True love and acceptance is the trigger.

If God spoke everything into existence

why is the renaissance of rap hated, segregated, and disrespected?

I guess cause it’s not all speaking the language of God.

But many leaders and titled persons don’t either

but we pay love and respect them all.

Man – the trigger of love and acceptance.

If I say I’m a rap God – then I’ll get more hate than needed.

But the same titled people make judgment

on the same people they’re leading.

So isn’t that just being the Father of Jesus?

Love and acceptance is the trigger…

This could ruffle a thicket of feathers – that’s a flock not together.

Through history books and hearing from older folks in my culture –

manipulation was learned early.

Watch it be done and you can do it too.

It’s like a parent manipulating their child

by “do what I say or you don’t get those nice gifts for Christmas.

Do what I say or I’m not keeping the kids you can forget it.” –

and the child is an adult.

The child is scared to give up the benefits

so they do as they say – like slavery.

It’s tough to speak up cause when you speak – existence happens.

Yeah you don’t get the perks anymore

but boundaries have to happen.

That’s how America was made -  

But manipulation stayed – and continues.

It’s the trigger of love and acceptance that’s pulled so many guns on lives that matter.

We all have bullets – but what’s your trigger??

People think the social network isn’t self network or self worth…

Monkey see Monkey do – so why when I love you I’m accused of abuse? –

Heartless Daddy – this mentality even amazes gravity. 

WHAT IS YOUR TRIGGER?

So worried about those that died – but what about those walking dead inside?

Those that hang in gangs only want one thing – love and acceptance.

I leave you with this.

The sand in the land loves the ocean.

It accepts how it comes in and governs itself accordingly –

whether high tide…low tide…or disaster.

It’s always going to be friction at some point

but the ocean has answers.

That’s what makes us love the beach as it is.

With love and acceptance - that’s how we should live.

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^MAN ELEVATED

The Love Hero Returns

Listen to "Love Hero" www.soundcloud.com/jastin-artis/love-hero

It’s been two years since my last blog. It’s time I find you again to give you all this new insight I’ve gained to keep you elevated. So much has happened since my last post; a lot of good and some very challenging things. In no specific order; I released another music project with a female artist, recorded a another solo album, I’ve made new friends, I’ve been accused of physical abuse, I’ve had a restraining order filed against me, I’ve been separated and will soon be divorced, I’ve become an absent father not by choice, I’ve experienced our family court and child support systems, I’m in position to change my music career in a big way, I’ve worked for a Fortune 500 company, I’ve experienced the great doctors at UNC Health Chapel Hill for a BIG two part surgery, and lastly, informed I cannot have any more children, due to man’s knowledge.

But the one thing I can’t deny that happened in these two years is love saved my life. I coined love hero because years ago I learned so much from someone I loved. At that time, I was in love but I killed myself to show it and took things from her I had no reason to but justified it as love. Then when I met my wife I really knew what the term meant. She allowed me to learn love in a new way and most importantly receive love. Sadly, this love with my wife is over but not her heroism. And my love increased when I had my son.

In 2016 A Man Elevated blog has evolved and the focus is clear; it’s to inform men [not ruling out women] about how to become better in character from your emotions to your spirit. Yes, there is a sensitivity to your macho character and I hope you know that’s okay. I will use my life to share what I’ve learned day to day from the natural and spiritual side of things. This will deal a lot with all relationships and some random things in between. Much like my music, I will discuss things that we as men don’t openly talk about it, share, or even give the slightest attention to.

I want to lead this young generation and my generation to a better height of knowing what it means to be ^MAN ELEVATED. 

So moving on…

Real talk…love is no joke. Men and women are definitely two different people. Yes, we as men have to do things that women will never understand, get, or even realize. Funny thing is, women say the same about us; and it’s true. So what is it you can learn from LOVE and the person that said they love you but things changed for the worse??? Well, a lot. We can point the finger and talk about who was wrong, who did what, or all the other childish things to make us feel better, or just to be more right. 

But for real homie, that ain’t what this is about. Now don’t get it twisted it’s not that I don’t get it or can’t relate to those angry feelings for so many reasons…but in order to be the man…the man God wants you to be – not what so many around you tell you to be without example – but what God wants and what you know you want…it starts with love. And this doesn’t matter the state of your current relationship with God and romantically.

Here’s a list of why LOVE IS THE HERO:

1.   Decision Making: Love will encourage you to make the right choices even in the toughest moments.

2.    Vows of Love: A vow is a marriage to everything and everyone you say you love.

3.   Grace of Love: At least start to forgive and watch it grow into grace.

4.   Love for Your Child/ren: If you have a child this should definitely change everything about your relationships. Don’t let right or wrong be your focus but let truth reveal the better choice.

Decision Making

I really thought I knew love before marriage and before having my own child. Like most, I know love is important. However, they say love can make you do crazy things too! Love is so powerful. I didn’t know how powerful until I was married. I’ve heard of loving someone with such a high regard but it becomes real when you actually get married. Now this doesn’t take away from those of you who’ve never bene married but I have to talk about what I know. When you take that leap to say I love you, to be married or on the road to marriage, it’s a choice. That’s the first decision by love for love.

Now those of you that have children know it’s another type of love; but an increase. Being in a blended family I genuinely love my step-children like they are my own. But I when I had my own child there is no greater feeling. That love increased my process of how I make decisions.

Overall, love, the right love, God’s kind of love, that Mary J kind of love, should make you choose wisely and decide carefully how you operate your life for you and your child/ren. You can’t say you love someone and lie. You can’t say you love someone and not give effort. You can’t say you love someone and not communicate. You can’t say you love your child and deny them what they need. You can’t say you love someone and deny them of you. You can’t say you love someone and love a part of them.

If you choose love, with good intentions, let love choose what is right.

Vows of Love

The good book says it’s better to break a promise than a vow. Again, I speak what I know; marriage. I’m sure most people don’t realize this but even when you say I love you to a significant other (married or not) or to your child or a friend … that is a vow. It means you will do anything and everything because you love them. You vow to them you will do all you can. Vows don’t mean anything until given the chance to execute; until the most challenging thing comes up.

I can remember now the vows I wrote and agreed too: vow to love you through sickness and health, vow not to take you for granted, and vow to do things you love. Now a few of those I actually wrote. Now there were times in my short lived marriage I thought nothing about my vows; not because I didn’t want to but it isn’t something you think about until it happens. I remember times where I personally felt I was headed to taking my wife for granted. It just hit me. I had to ask myself if I was. At that moment, all I could hear in my head is what I vowed to do and not do. The love I had to be a man of my word, to my vows, to God, and to my wife I found myself many times apologizing and/or asking if she felt I was taking her for granted.

I remember when I was young my mom kicked me out the house because I was lying and continued to not stop. She warned me if I didn’t get it together she would kick me out. I continued and she kicked me out. I remember crying on the stoop of my apartment building not because I didn’t think she didn’t love me but because I didn’t stop lying and I loved her too much to hurt her. I wanted my love for her to over power my want for lying. I knew she loved me and I knew she didn’t really want to kick me out but … that same love made her decide she had to do what was hard; she had to make the right choice. Her loving me as a parent was a vow she had to do whatever it took for me to have an understanding of what it meant to have character. That moment taught me love wasn’t always about being sweet; it was about the big picture; it was asking yourself what are you willing to do for love even when it hurts. And since that young age I love telling the truth though at times it’s so hard.

Vows are the key to a lasting relationship on any level. Always with good intentions, vows are the guide to what’s important. Love is a vow and you have to demand to keep it.

Grace of Love

Love will forgive. Forgiveness is a constant in life. People aren’t perfect so they will do you wrong. Sometimes that is intentional and sometimes it’s not. And since we’ve all been there when we’ve needed grace no matter the situation we have to be able to give grace and forgiveness. This doesn’t mean to act stupidly and not use wisdom but you must give grace and forgive. Think of it this way, if you want grace and forgiveness for something you said or did no matter the situation but you can’t give it to someone else - aren’t you being a hypocrite? Now you can read this like that ain’t me but we can all agree it’s hard to forgive at times because it is.

When it comes to this act of love give what you want back.

Love for Your Child/ren

Like marriage, I know not everyone reading this is married nor has children but know love has different frequencies. I briefly spoke about this earlier but … loving a child has got to be one of the highest frequencies there is. And what I’ve learned in loving my child is I now do things at a higher level. This passion of love and unconditional love has caused me to operate every aspect of my life more effectively. I consider things I never would about myself or those close to me. I seem to make better choices, I hold myself more accountable, or just knowing what I do will affect him. I also love to dream more. Now hopefully I’m not the only parent that feels this way???

The point I want to make here is this type of love should change you like being educated. When you learn something new you usually want to do it all the time then it becomes a routine. Well, this type of love creates a new routine which with good intentions will allow you to love yourself and others better than before.

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These are just a few reasons of why love is the hero. Love can save you from great loses within yourself and with other people no matter your martial status or your age. No matter your love situation whether just getting married or divorce, just committed to a new relationship, or the tussle with an absent parent - love will show you what to do if you allow it; love will show you how to make the best decision; Love is a vow to everything pure and truthful; love is forgiveness, and a child’s love can give you a new operation of self. Love can save you because love made you. That’s what we all live for though we never talk about it and we take it for granted. Yes, love can hurt like HELL; love can seem it’s never around and appear to ruin your life; but love is the greatest joy like having children or finding the right partner. But to perceive love as the hero you must know love is always in you even when love hurts or you feel it’s gone away.

So salute to the hero…Love.

^MAN ELEVATED